Episode 7 - Embracing the Layers: Power in the Pause with Heidi Blackie
By Jessica Garrison
Our next guest is curious, compassionate, optimistic, loyal, and a lifelong learner. Heidi Blackie has accomplished so much in her life, and she’s here to share her story and what else she hopes to accomplish in the future.
Heidi’s family is full of perfectionists, and if you’re trying to be a perfect person, you’ll be trying for the rest of your life. With society teaching us to do whatever it takes to blend in, Heidi never felt like she was enough. We have to spend our adult lives unraveling what we thought we should be into who we actually are because it’s so important we discover our true selves. It’s been an evolution for Heidi, just as it is for anyone, and she has reached acceptance in herself and her layers. Once you reach that piece of accepting the layered aspects of yourself, you’re on track of living life authentically and unapologetically.
A phrase Heidi used in this episode, “power in the pause,” is a great reminder of taking a pause before responding to them. Before responding, she takes a breath and thinks of what she’ll say before she says it. This sounds easy enough, but more people need to hear it: think before you speak.
We have so much power within ourselves without even realizing, and Heidi works to pull that out of people as she has been able to do for herself. She responds with openness and kindness rather than with suspicion or defensiveness. Choose where you want to come from as a person, and think of the best response that expresses that when you’re in the power of the pause.
In living out of her own expectations, Heidi is okay with being different which, like I said, isn’t what we’re taught to do. We’re raised to change ourselves to fit in with the crowd and put ourselves into a singular box. However, we are multifaceted people with many layers to us, and they are all valid in who we are. When we see the value in that, we see the value of nurturing that soul and taking care of ourselves the way we deserve. Heidi says that we have to be vulnerable with ourselves to make that connection within, and the reward is worth it. It’s freeing to accept yourself and move forward with knowing yourself.
Heidi has such a big heart, supporting people in finding themselves, building confidence, and moving forward with their life and their newfound skills. Join Melissa and Heidi in their conversation of the journey to finding empowerment and embracing layers.
Ways to Engage: Sometimes when you sit down to work on a project, it takes longer than you’re expecting. Give yourself a time limit on whatever you’re working on so you aren’t spending your entire day on one thing without taking time to care for yourself, taking a breath, eating, moving your body, or resting your brain. Prioritize what’s most important, set a limit for it, and don’t forget to include self-care!
Episode 6 - Boundaries, Growth & Living Authentically with Rachel Lavin
By Jessica Garrison
Anyone who’s been following our network for a while is probably familiar with our next guest, Rachel Lavin. Rachel is a huge supporter of our network, appearing on our podcast previously in season 5, our Substack live, our radio show, our YouTube panel show, and now she is back to give us an update on everything she’s been learning and experiencing. Rachel is kind, loyal, and nonjudgmental, all of which become clear shortly after listening to her speak.
Since being on her embracing layers journey, Rachel is more in tune with her boundaries. She says that she walks around lighter, not having the constant or overwhelming guilt resting on her shoulders. Not only this, but she also is able to be of better service to people because she isn’t stretched too thin—she can give to herself and give back to others because she sticks to her boundaries. She has a healthier outlook as well as healthier engagements with people. Boundaries can be intimidating at first, but the results are worth it.
Rachel is constantly evolving, as we all should be. We evolve over time, learning the best way to live with ourselves as well as with other people and the crazy world around us. Rachel tells herself, “I will get through this.” Even if it seems like the end of the world, the moon will come out at night, the sun will come out in the morning, and you will get through it. By having these securities and boundaries in place, Rachel is able to live authentically, saying yes to things she is passionate about and saying no to things that don't serve her. Rachel also talks about not guilting someone when they say no, and she acknowledges that it works both ways. If someone says no to Rachel, she doesn’t badger them until they say yes or guilt them for their response. She accepts and respects people’s boundaries the way she wants people to do with her.
It’s all about meeting people where they are, which we have heard multiple times throughout the podcast. You can’t do the work for someone, and Rachel mentions that while discussing self care and boundaries. You can really want it for someone, but if they aren’t willing to put the work in, then there’s nothing you can do. It’s easier said than done to walk away when you want to see someone flourish, but it’s a journey they have to decide to go on for themselves. Rachel has learned to offer her support for people, letting them know she’s there when they’re ready. You can’t let it overwhelm your mind thinking about all the things you can’t change. Do what is best for you, offer your support or resources, and continue living your healthiest life because no one else will live it for you.
If you want more of Rachel, there is plenty to explore. Her first podcast episode, “Embracing Body Love” is available on our website to listen back to and compare to this one. You can also check out our YouTube page to see her on the Together We F.E.E.L YouTube panel or check out Substack for the many conversations that were hosted on our radio show including, “The Power of Supporting & Empowering Girl Dads,” “Beauty, Beauty Privilege & Summer Body Expectations,” and “We’ve Got Books!” (just to name a few). I’m sure we will be seeing her again soon, and I look forward to it!
Ways to Engage: Think of an area in your life that you need help with, even if it’s small. Reach out, ask for help, and accept the help that comes your way. We have a hard time admitting when we need someone’s help, but we can retrain ourselves to open up more and learn that we don’t have to carry it all ourselves.
Episode 5 - Living Unapologetically with Tracy DeTomasi: Empowering Women & Supporting Survivors
By Jessica Garrison
Trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault/sexual violence
I am completely mesmerized by our next guest, Tracy DeTomasi. Who she is as a person and the work that she does is so inspiring, and there is a lot of knowledge to be gained from this episode. Tracy describes herself as transparent, honest, and trauma-informed, all of which shine through from this discussion.
The transformative work that Tracy has done in her own life bleeds into her work, and she has so much wisdom when it comes to supporting other women in living unapologetically. Women are constantly apologizing for taking up space when we don’t need to, even if we earned our spot in the room. Melissa gives a great example of mirroring our words to be less apologetic. Rather than starting a sentence with “I’m sorry, but…” you can say, “Excuse me” or even “Can I have a moment of your time?” It doesn’t seem big, but this is something I’ve intentionally continued to work on over the last few years, and you see the subtle changes over time. I used to linger in the background of two people talking til the coast was clear, even if what I had to say was really important. I’ve gotten away from saying, “I’m sorry, but…” because there’s no reason to apologize. There’s no need to say sorry or apologize for being somewhere you are supposed to be, and you should take up space wherever you go.
In addition to this, Tracy talks about knowing who you are and that you’re coming from the right place. She does amazing work with Project Callisto, which “uses technology to empower survivors of sexual violence.” Tracy is giving survivors the right to choose back, offering resources and opportunities that they are free to claim or deny. I wanted to share something that Tracy said: “The only person responsible for the assault is the perpetrator.” Although we have become more aware and pulled back on victim blaming, it still happens. It doesn’t matter what a person was wearing, if they had a relationship with the person in the past, if they were flirting, whatever—it doesn’t matter. If you didn’t want the encounter to happen, it is not your fault. Project Callisto is about supporting survivors and holding perpetrators accountable, and any place that offers such a supportive space for all survivors makes me believe in the world again.
This blog barely scratches the surface of this great episode with Tracy—let us know which talking point stuck out the most to you or what you personally took away from this episode. Tracy is helping women live their lives without shame or guilt, and she in turn is living her best, healthiest life unapologetically.
Ways to Engage: Do not hold the emotions of others in your body. Listen to your body and separate your own emotions from the emotions of others. If you’re struggling with this, journal it. Write out what you’re feeling and connect the dots between what is yours and what you are holding for others.
Episode 4 - Planting Boundaries & Embracing Your Layers with Mary Rothwell
By Jessica Garrison
We have a fun crossover this week with Mary Rothwell, who is the host of the podcast “No More Shrinking Violets.” Melissa was in an episode called “Embracing All Your Layers: The Path to Authentic Living,” and now Mary is here to be our guest! Mary is empowering, genuine, authentic, practical, grounded, connected, dynamic, introspective, creative, nature-focused, and she has a great sense of humor.
I loved hearing Mary talk about her boundaries, the way she describes them makes them seem not so intimidating, but rather doable and rewarding. Since she is an avid gardner, she compares her boundaries to plants and, even though that might seem funny at first, it makes the most sense in the world. Sometimes plants need to be cut or trimmed to thrive, and if there is too much going on around them, they can’t flourish. You have to get rid of the weeds surrounding them and cut off parts that are no longer serving them.
If we have too many things going on and not enough space for ourselves, we’ll start to dwindle. And just like plants will lean towards the sun and away from the shadows, you can lean away from people who are taking too much from you and lean into those who are supporting and lifting you up. People are always evolving, as are our boundaries, so it’s okay to go with the flow until you figure out what you need to prosper.
Mary also mentions the physical reaction she gets when she doesn’t set boundaries, and I think many people can agree with this without even realizing. Eventually, all of the tasks on our schedule catch up to us and you might feel tired, cranky, overwhelmed, emotional, or even depressed. It’s crucial that we listen to our bodies, even if we don’t know the reason why something is happening, the body is telling us for a reason. Slow down if you’re feeling tired, get some movement if you’re feeling stiff, and look at the bigger picture within your boundaries.
Invisible labor is another term that Mary brings up, and she says most of the invisible work comes from women. An example of this could be the office function or Christmas party. No one thinks about who got the food, who scheduled it, who decorated, who got the word out, and who made sure everything went off without a hitch, but odds are, it’s probably a woman who made the event happen. It’s someone who doesn’t get noticed or is thanked, but she keeps the world moving, and I love that Mary gave recognition to these people. We can pay more attention to those in our lives who do the invisible work, and we can appreciate them the way they deserve.
Please check out Melissa’s episode on Mary’s podcast, explore her page, and listen to some other episodes from her. Mary is all about knowing her worth to set boundaries, taking care of herself, and embracing all of her beautiful, complex layers. She is a woman who does so much to keep everyone else afloat, but she is certainly anything but invisible.
Ways to Engage: Take the time to wind down 2 hours before bed. Limit screen time, do some breathing exercises, read a couple chapters in a book, color, or do anything that helps slow your mind down. Sleep is important for us to function daily, so if you have a difficult time sleeping, put more energy into this aspect of your health.
Episode 3 - Empowering Women Through Financial Confidence with Maria Mai
By Jessica Garrison
We are so lucky to have Maria Mai join us on The F.E.E.L Podcast this week. She describes herself as genuine, caring, ambitious, and loving. Maria is changing lives with the work that she does, and she is bringing us into a new world where women can feel more powerful and confident in their decisions.
Maria’s career is in the male dominated field of finance, so she has had to come a long way in both her personal and professional journey. However, Maria is able to look at the positives of being a minority in her field because not only is she very skilled at her work, but she is able to help women in a way that men can’t. It’s a passion of hers to help women become more confident in their financial decisions and she loves supporting them through that journey. Women like to go to another woman for advice, particularly in an area that is written off as a “man’s job” because they can relate on a different level. This way, Maria continuously supports women in living unapologetically, empowering them to feel comfortable in any decision they make.
Maria also encourages women to become financially literate because even if you have a partner who handles the finances, that doesn’t mean they’ll always be around to help. It is especially popular for older women to seek out a financial advisor because their husbands who always took care of the finances aren’t around anymore. Women couldn’t even get a credit card in their own name until 1974, so there is a whole generation of women who Maria can share her knowledge with. She loves to help people become financially independent or gain more confidence when it comes to money, and her why is to positively impact people financially.
During this talking point of supporting women in living unapologetically, Maria mentions the wage gap, as well as the wealth gap and the financial literacy gap. She says that women make 20% less than men in a professional setting, but this doesn’t even begin to cover the gaps among different races and ethnicities when it comes to wages and wealth. People don’t think the wage gap exists, or at least it doesn’t anymore, but that is far from the truth. There is a huge power imbalance between men and women in the world, but Maria is giving women the opportunity to grow in their own right, and I think that holds a lot of power itself.
It takes a lot of courage, compassion, and intelligence to do what Maria does, and I love that she uses her powers for good. Listening to her episode and her positive outlook on life that didn’t always come so easily to her makes this an episode to remember. With Maria’s honesty and vulnerability in this episode, there is so much to learn and celebrate.
Ways to Engage: Practice self-forgiveness. If something doesn’t go right or you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Talk kindly to yourself, forgive yourself, and use this as an opportunity to change the narrative in your mind.
Episode 2 - Living Beyond Expectations & Embracing Your Layers with Kelly Anne Carter
By Jessica Garrison
To bookend the beginning of season 9, we are joined by Kelly Anne Carter who is chronically curious, and she is not afraid of liminal spaces. She is also interested in people’s stories rather than their filters, a trait that connects her even further with our podcast and network.
When discussing living out of her own expectations versus others’, Kelly recalls the deconstruction phase and its brutal awakening. After living out of someone else’s expectations for so long, you forget who you truly are inside, so you have to deconstruct the belief system of others to rebuild your own in their place. She didn’t know herself at all, and I’ve experienced moments like that where I realized I was doing something to make another person happy rather than making myself happy. I think everyone can admit they’ve said yes to something they didn’t want to do or gave an expected answer rather than what they were really thinking.
Kelly says it’s important to be okay with the discovery of yourself and be okay with trying new things. See what feels right or what doesn’t, and make your way to your own decisions and opinions. It’s okay to change your mind, like maybe deciding something feels right for one season and not the other. Growing up in a strict, religious space, Kelly wasn’t allowed to be curious or ask questions, so now she’s making up for that in her adult life.
It can seem daunting to have to go through the self-discovery phase, but let me tell you it is so much fun. You get to do all kinds of different things to find out what you like or what you want to do. I love rediscovering things that I enjoyed as a child that I would’ve been bullied for liking past a certain age or something I hadn’t thought of in a long time. Just because you’re 30 doesn’t mean you can’t watch movies made for little kids or you can’t go to your favorite ice cream shop and have a sundae. Take yourself on dates, ask yourself questions, and find out who you are.
This step in your journey bleeds into accepting your layers, and Kelly says she is also accepting her humanity. She reminds us that it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to slow down. Sometimes we need to address a layer and take a step back to fully appreciate, understand, and know it. It isn’t a race to see who can discover and accept their layers first—everyone needs to go at their own pace and go in their own order. Kelly has really connected with her layers on a physical level, but she is now working on accepting them on a nervous system level. No matter how you decide to go about your embracing layers journey, the most important step is beginning.
I know that finding empowerment and embracing layers is an exhilarating journey, but Kelly is such a great reminder of this. Her attitude and resilience will get you motivated to live out of your own expectations and accept the layered aspects of yourself, and then the rest will fall into place.
Ways to Engage: Notice what feels good to you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual—it could be the way the ground feels under your feet or the way the wind feels on your skin. Pleasure is an important, yet often forgotten layer that we can focus more of our attention on.
Episode 1 - The Power of Boundaries, Hope, and Healing with Gretchen Schoser
By Jessica Garrison
Trigger warning: suicide
Welcome back to season 9 of The F.E.E.L Podcast! We are so excited to kick off our season with Gretchen Schoser. She is authentic, fun, vulnerable, loves to laugh, operates in her integrity, and she is a giver of hope.
Boundaries have been an important aspect for Gretchen to learn to be able to feel like herself again. She says that she used to let people drain her, always taking from her but never giving anything back. As an extrovert and an empath, it was difficult for Gretchen to say no, but she realized she couldn’t possibly take it all on—no one can. If it smells like drama, she says, then it cannot come into her life. You wouldn’t think that cutting the drama out of your life would be so transformative, but it really is. Growing up, the friends I had were not always supportive or encouraging, and that affected my mental health for a long time. If your friends are not going to lift you up or participate in the friendship, then it’s probably best to end that relationship. Gretchen says, “there is a reason and a season for some friends,” and I couldn’t agree more.
I also want to touch on Gretchen’s “why” because it is not only life changing, but it is life saving. Gretchen was in a dark place, ready to end her life, but she had a glimmer of hope that changed everything. She called 988, a suicide and crisis line, and the woman on the other end held such compassion that it changed the trajectory of Gretchen’s life. She doesn’t want people to feel as alone and scared as she was in the depths of her depression, and that’s why she shares her story. You don’t have to be at the end of your rope to call 988—you can call whenever you need someone to listen or you can call on behalf of someone else. Compassion goes a long way, and Gretchen spreads that message everywhere she goes.
These events eventually birthed Gretchen’s podcast, “Sh!t That Goes On In Our Heads,” that she cohosts with her best friend. We don’t always have the right words to explain the shit that goes on in our heads, but the more we share our feelings and what we’re thinking, the closer we will get to putting into words.
We are so proud to present Gretchen as our first guest this season, sharing all of the good she does in the world and the journey it took to get there. We do not want anyone to reach a breaking point before they ask for help, and with Gretchen’s work, we can continue to move away from that tipping point. Even if it may feel that way, you are not alone in your struggles and there are people to reach out to for help. Don’t give up—you can be the change you want to see in the world, just as Gretchen has been.
Ways to Engage: Find something that brings you joy, even if it’s small. Maybe it’s your favorite book, the smell of a certain flower, a person, etc. Describe it, appreciate it, and continue to find something new each day that brings you happiness.
Resources:
Suicide & Crisis Line: 988 (call or text - available 24 hours)
Trevor Project’s Suicide Hotline for LGBTQ+ Youth: 1-866-488-7386 (or text ‘START’ to 678-678 - both available 24 hours)