Episode 25 -Pause Before You Say “Yes”: The Secret to Stronger Boundaries with Melissa Crook
By Jessica Garrison
We talked last week about saying “No” without overexplaining, which leads us perfectly into The Power of the Pause Before Giving a “Yes” conversation with Melissa. When we are living in our people pleaser world, we get used to saying yes as soon as someone asks us for a favor. It isn’t until later that we think about it and regret saying “yes.” There is great power in the pause, giving yourself time to consider what you want before answering in a way that they want.
I think it’s a lot easier to say “no” the first time, rather than saying “yes” and trying to figure a way out of it later. Not only does it put you in an uncomfortable position, but it also does an injustice to the person asking the question. After your response, they can ask someone else who has the time or bandwidth without worrying if they actually mean yes or no. Your time and energy are valuable, though we don’t always treat them as much. It’s important to take a minute, consider the pros and cons, then make a proper decision based on that. Imagine if you said “yes” out of kindness to something you didn’t want to do, but then you have to say “no” to something you did want to do because of that prior engagement. When you say “yes” to something, you are saying “no” to something else, so make sure you’re accepting the things you want.
When people ask me something, I say, “Let me check my schedule,” even if I know what my schedule already looks like. I want to take the time to look over the week, consider the possibilities, and give an answer after the fact. If I want to do something, I’ll give them a strong consideration and say I will confirm with you later. It keeps open the possibility that you have something else going on, and that is okay, too. If you don’t, you get back to them with a firm yes. If you want to say no, then you say, “I can’t, but maybe another time.” Leave the long-winded explanation out of the answer, and you can be confident in that answer because you took the time to consider what you wanted.
This topic ties into so many of our past conversations, particularly surrounding boundaries and expectations. If you’re the type of person to always say “yes,” people will be more likely to come to you for favors. You still have the right to say “no” to whatever you like, but it becomes more difficult because, let’s face it, it’s nice when people depend on us. We feel wanted and important, but you have to have those boundaries with others as well as yourself. Dig deeper into your soul and maybe ask, why do you always feel the need to say yes? And why do you need to say it right away? Consider these questions along with the ways to engage and give yourself that power of the pause.
Ways To Engage: Before saying yes or no to someone, wait 24 hours. Consider your options and formulate how you want to tell that person. Remember, don’t overexplain. Your feelings are valid, so be sure you’re doing right by them and yourself by accepting and declining what you want to.
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