The F.E.E.L Podcast: Season One Wrap Up

By Jessica Garrison 

Throughout season one of The F.E.E.L (Finding Empowerment Embracing Layers) Podcast, challenging topics were discussed openly and freely in a safe space for conversation. Despite a variety of guests and subjects, many of the lessons we learned from the podcast episodes can be applied throughout each discussion point in addition to all aspects of our lives.

Revisiting Boundaries 

Establishing boundaries isn’t only important for romantic relationships, but for everyone we come across in our journey of life. One of the most important things to remember about boundaries is that they look different to everyone and can change upon relationships. We learn while listening to the podcast that boundaries are a lifelong practice and don’t look the same on everyone. It’s important to not only communicate your boundaries to those around you, but to also stick to them, which gets a bit trickier. However, to live life to its fullest potential of happiness, boundaries are such a crucial role we have to set in place. They’re not a negative to be avoided, but rather a positive to help our relationships grow stronger. 

One of my favorite episodes from season one comes from guest Christy Martinez Garcia, who spoke deeply on the topic of boundaries. Boundaries are a way to protect yourself, communicate your needs, and to also advocate for yourself. Setting your boundaries and sticking to them not only reminds yourself of your worth and the value of your feelings, but it also reminds others of those things. I try to remind myself that if I don’t respect the boundaries I’ve set into place, then others won’t respect them, and that typically leads to people taking advantage of me, which I’m tired of happening. Use your boundaries to advocate for yourself, because you deserve the utmost respect when it comes to your life and your time.

Living Out of Your Own Expectations

From the moment we are born, there are expectations put on us. At the end of the day, the decisions you make are your own. It’s important to live the life you want to live and make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Something that resonated with me during this conversation among the guests (and even brought tears to my eyes at one point) is that we get to a certain age, and then don’t even know who we are. I’m 23 years old and still trying to discover who I am and who I want to be, rather than continuing to live up to the expectations of others. It’s not uncommon for people to feel this way, but the earlier in life we realize we need to live for ourselves rather than others, the happier we’ll be in the long run. Although easier said than done, it’s worth continuing to put forth the effort. 

Another frequent talking point among guests was that it’s impossible to make everyone happy, and even as you put forth so much effort to do so, there will always be disappointment. Don’t let that disappointment be towards yourself. As one guest put it, “You disappointing other people is not worth you abandoning yourself anymore.” Live your truth, and the rest should fall into place. 

How to Prioritize Self Care in Your Life 

Although it can feel selfish at times, self care is something that needs to be recognized and prioritized in our everyday lives. With the constant stress in our lives due to the pandemic and just trying to do our best in the world, we need to find ways to nourish our bodies and build ourselves back up. This looks different for everyone, same as boundaries, because of the different activities that make us feel refueled. If you still struggle with putting yourself first, remember that if you take care of yourself first, then you’re able to give the best version of yourself to those around you, so if you think about it, it isn’t selfish at all.  

Taking Care of Emotional Health as Much as Physical Health 

With a healthy body comes a healthy mind and vice versa. Everyone has different needs and reactions when it comes to the harshness of the world, but we need to keep ourselves healthy, both inside and out. Finding this balance isn’t always easy, especially in the world we’re currently living in and the obstacles people are constantly facing. But just like self care, taking care of your emotional health is one of the most important things you could possibly do, the same as taking care of your physical health. You are important. You are a priority. Never forget that.  

Cultivating Healthy Relationships 

By implementing all of these other practices, cultivating healthy relationships is bound to come with ease. However, having a healthy relationship with everyone you come across is impossible; the other party may not be respectful towards your wishes and needs. The podcast this season was full of wisdom, but there’s one quote to definitely take away from this season’s topic: “Your needs will never be too much for the right person and in a healthy relationship.” 

It’s been a wonderful first season for the F.E.E.L podcast, full of impactful conversations to remind us we’re not alone in our struggles and defeats. There are many more empowering and honest episodes to come soon. See you in season two! 

Bonus Episode 5: Cultivating Healthy Relationships

We have reached our final week of our Season 1 Mashup series, and we’re bringing it home with discussing Relationships; what healthy ones look like and how the previously discussed talking points play a role in our ability to have healthy relationships.

Two common themes continually came up with our Season 1 guests regarding relationships.  The first one is Boundaries; setting them, communicating them, asking them to be respected, and what that tells you about a relationship when they’re not.  Within that we discuss that we put boundaries in place with relationships we care about, as well as to create health for ourselves.  Tied closely to that is when does sharing and communicating a difficult experience or emotion with someone venture over into emotional dumping and venting?  How do we  place a boundary around that?  Also tying closely to boundaries is not allowing ourselves to do what our family, partner, children expect of us at a cost to ourselves, and the need to put  a boundary in place there.  We need to also not be afraid to do what’s best for our family and how we relate to each other even if it goes counter to what culture or society tells us is correct; so not living by an unhealthy boundary that society has tried to set for us.

The second common theme that came up with this talking point throughout the season was the importance of liking and loving ourselves well, having a healthy relationship with ourselves first, and making sure we are showing up in relationships as our truest, most authentic selves.   It’s going to be difficult, if not impossible, to be engaged in healthy relationships if you don’t first have one with yourself.  It is not the responsibility of anyone we are in a relationship with to make us happy, nor is it our responsibility to make anyone we are in a relationship with happy.  If we don’t first value ourselves then it makes it way too easy to allow ourselves to engage in and stay in unhealthy, toxic relationships.  We must think enough of ourselves to not allow that to go on, and to remove ourselves from it if it does start happening. It’s also very difficult to love others fully with all of their layers if we have not first extended that to ourselves. In turn, we can’t force someone into healthy relationship habits.  They have to want that for themselves and their relationships, and think enough of themselves and their relationships to engage in that.  For ourselves, remembering not to allow and being aware of when we’re allowing past relationship traumas affect the one’s we’re in now. A great phrase one of our guests used is “don’t water something that’s not going to grow”.  I think that’s a great truth to live by.  

Some good signals that we are in healthy relationships might include the freedom to share and promote each other’s stories with authenticity and vulnerability; as we change how we think or believe about something, feeling the freedom and safety to share that, and not just expect those we’re close to know; lifelong relationships take time and commitment, and a decision by both parties that it’s something they want to maintain, and conversely, not all relationships are for life, they may have a season, and that’s ok too; good friends have a trust and love for each other that allows them to tell each other what they need to hear, even if it’s hard but needs to be said; relationships are built and strengthened by shared experiences, dancing, singing, sharing a meal, coffee, a hike or walk together; moments big and small.  A couple of our guests spoke to the importance of being your daughter’s Mother instead of their best friend and why that’s important. Healthy relationships want you to all live and love unapologetically.  

It’s also important to remember that we don’t have to be friends with everyone we come across.  Not everyone is going to click and that’s ok.  Extend kindness and respect, but you don’t have to be friends.  

And last, but very much not least, treat each relationship as the gift it is and cherish it because our time on earth is finite and it’s important to live and love well in these moments.

I hope you enjoy this final mashup of season 1 as we dive into relationships.

Bonus Episode 4: Taking Care of our Emotional Health as much as our Physical Health Mash-Up

As we continue through our revisit of key talking points, I can’t help but reflect on how this week’s topic of our emotional health and physical health being tied to each other is the key factor in why I started this podcast in the first place.  My experience with this subject is why we’re here having these conversations today, so I have an extra special attachment to this talking point.

In this week’s mashup we take a look back at all the range of thoughts and experiences that came up in these conversations with our Season 1 Guests. 

How those that are student athletes, and athletes in general, are coached up on their physical health, but very little attention (even now) is given to their emotional and mental health.  It’s acceptable to miss a practice or workout for a physical ailment, but one is usually scoffed at if they need to miss or take a step back for a mental or emotional one.  I believe this is part of the reason so many in the world struggled when Simone Biles took a step back last Summer at the Olympics.  If she had a physical injury she would have been extended empathy and grace; people in general would have felt really sad she had to do that.  But when she needed to do that for a mental ailment that was, what could be argued, more dangerous to her than a physical ailment, many in the world could not handle that, and could not wait to be critical and question her “toughness”, her “commitment”.  The truth is what Simone Biles did took more courage than most people have because she knew how much scrutiny she was going to get, but thought more of herself and her teammates and knew that was the best thing for all of them.

We talk about how we cannot be truly physically healthy without being emotionally healthy.  Unprocessed, stuffed emotions will show up in our physical bodies in some fashion if we do not move them through.

We talk about how our society has defined some emotions as “bad” and others as “good”, so therefore that has affected what emotions we do and don’t find safe to feel.  In our go, go, go, produce world we move into autopilot and don’t give ourselves time to feel.  Then when we’re asked how we feel, we don’t even know.  We talk about not being afraid to google an emotions wheel so we can examine that and learn how to name what we are feeling.  We can’t process something when we don’t know what it is. 

We talk about how our monthly cycles are connected to our emotional and physical health, and how knowing what we need to feed ourselves physically and emotionally can change the way we experience physical, mental, and emotional symptoms during that cycle.

We talk about how mental and emotional health is scrutinized and stigmatized in our culture, and even more so in our Black and Brown communities through fear, stereotypes, biases, not being heard, and just out and out racism.  We talk about how men are scrutinized in how or if they show, feel, and process emotions.

We talk about the importance of stepping back and processing emotions before reacting or responding to something, and how much that can change and affect responses and outcomes, especially in relationships.

We talk about how helpful it would be if all workplaces would have the same coverage and care in their wellness packages for mental and emotional health as they do for physical health.  Within that, we talk about the mind-body-soul connection and if that’s not tended to then we do end up having physical ailments and issues.

We talk about the importance of not being afraid to ask for help, especially as women and moms, and how much better it is for our health and how we interact in our relationships when we’re willing to release the “superwoman” complex, and just ask for what we need.

We also talk about the importance of enjoying each moment, releasing unrealistic expectations of ourselves, others, and the places we reside, and maybe most importantly, the importance of quality rest and sleep to our mental, emotional, and physical health.

I hope you’ll take the time to revisit these important points with me and all the thoughts and experiences our guests have around them.  This may be the most important place to start when embarking on your best, healthiest, self journey.  It’s certainly the place that first got my attention.

Bonus Episode 3: Self Care with Rapid Fire Mash-up

Welcome back to another week of Mashups from Season 1. I’ve loved being able to focus on each talking point and really honing in on what our guests had to say about them. I hope you have as well.

This week we will be taking a listen to what each guest had to say about what Self Care looks like for them as well as their answers to our Rapid Fire Questions. We found these two points tied in really well with each other, as many of their Rapid Fire Answers were also part of their Self Care regime. 

The most interesting piece to me as we edited this Mashup was that while we had a very consistent theme of our guests emphasizing the importance of exercise and getting outdoors in their self care regimens, after that it was very diverse and unique to each person. There were a wide variety of practices mentioned, which tells me these people know themselves well, and have found those things that work the best for them. They are less concerned with what marketing tries to tell you is necessary in your self care, and more mindful of participating in those practices and activities that work best for each of them. I love that!

As has been the theme, our guests had a lot to say about these topics, so we will again do a Tuesday-Thursday drop this week with parts 1 and 2 of this mashup. The time stamps will again be available in the Show Notes so you can easily find what your favorite guests had to say about these topics.

We hope you’ll tune in and enjoy this week’s Self Care and Rapid Fire Mashups with us. Have a great week and you can check out all of our full episodes from Season 1 on Embracinglayers.com

Bonus Episode 2: Living out of Your own Expectations Mash-up

First of all, Happy New Year from The F.E.E.L Podcast!  We hope you are feeling hopeful and ready for 2022. 

What a better place to start than a mash-up episode of our “Living Out of Your Own Expectations” conversations from Season 1 to get us all started off on the right foot as we continue to embark on a healthy journey with ourselves in this New Year.

This will feature highlights from our episodes around the conversation of Expectations, and what it looks like to live out of our own for ourselves versus others. We also discuss the difference between hopes we have of ourselves and others versus actual communicated expectations, and what it means to live out of expectations that align with our values versus those that do not.

We hope this will be a good tune up as you approach your own holistically healthy journey with yourself and others, and give you some thoughts and inspiration around that.

As we did with the Boundaries Mash-ups, there will be timestamps in the Show Notes to help you identify your favorite conversations and be able to revisit and share them easily.  And like our Boundaries talking point, our guests had a lot to say about Expectations, so this will come to you in 2 parts again this week, with Part 1 dropping on Wednesday morning, January 5th, and Part 2 dropping the very next day on Thursday morning, January 6th.

Again, may this give you the kick start you need, or simply a kind reminder, to live life as your best, healthiest, version of yourself and what that journey looks like for you in 2022!

Take care and thanks for joining us this week on The F.E.E.L Podcast!

Bonus Episode 1 - Revisiting Boundaries with our Season 1 Guests

As we wrap up our first season of The F.E.E.L Podcast, I just want to thank all of you out there who have joined us on this journey, and for all of our guests in our first 20 episodes that helped make this all possible!  This podcast is my creative joy, and none of it happens without all those I’ve mentioned, along with my amazing team, Valencia Saint-Louis and Abby Bekele.

To wrap up this first season, we are going to revisit our favorite talking points with a mashup of what our guests had to say about each of them in our season 1 episodes.  We will do this over the next 6 weeks, and then kick off Season 2 at the beginning of February with a whole new slate of guests that we can’t wait to share with you!

In the meantime though, it’s time to get ready for those gatherings with family and friends that come this time of year.  So we thought this would be a perfect time to revisit the talking point “Boundaries”.  Our guests had a lot to say on this topic so we will be coming to you this week with not just one, but TWO episodes so you are primed and ready for these gatherings with all the boundaries information you need for yourself, and for others that may be trying to share their boundaries with you.

Our team willl then take a couple of weeks off to enjoy our own family and friends, before being back on January 4th with our second mash up around the talking point “Living out of Your Own Expectations” as we kick off a New Year with our best mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health in mind :).

Feel free to email us at embracinglayers@gmail.com or DM us on @embracinglayers on our Instagram page to share with us what you love, what you don’t love, and what you’d like to see as we get ready to launch Season 2 in February.

Meanwhile, enjoy revisiting our favorite talking points and may you all have a blessed holiday time and New Year with all of those you find rest and joy being with.

Episode 20 - Embracing Himself Unapologetically with Caleb Ledford

I have been wanting to have this conversation with my youngest brother Caleb for a while.  He and I are 16 years apart in years, but have a lot in common despite that age gap. 

For the first 4 years of his life he and I spent a ton of time together, and he with my friends.  He thought it was normal for toddlers to hang out with 17 year olds. When I transferred to Washington State University from the local community college at age 20, things changed dramatically for him in his day to day life.

We grew up in a house that had very specific gendered ideas of what was appropriate for girls versus what was appropriate for boys, affected by our parents’ ideas, the Mormon church’s ideas, and the culture on the playground’s ideas in general….to feel, to aspire to, to be involved in, to act out, etc.  If we had characteristics in ourselves that were in conflict with that ideal, they were not only met with resistance, but downright disdain in some cases.

Caleb was a great athlete and incredibly intelligent.  But he was also very tender hearted, feeling, and empathetic.  He learned early on that the second group of characteristics was not going to be embraced or celebrated.  That, along with some other very impactful occurrences in his young elementary years, created in him a very angry little boy.  We talk in depth about how no one ever asked him why he was angry, just sent him into the consequences that went with displaying that.  Until he got to 4th grade, when his teacher that year showed genuine concern and curiosity as to what was behind this and offered him some different tools on how he could process and handle it.  That had a huge effect on Caleb, and may have saved him in many ways. How many young children never find anyone who’s willing to ask those questions, and end up in tragedies like we saw once again play out in the hallways of a Michigan high school last week?  We have to in our homes, in our classrooms, on the playground, in our churches, after school youth programs, all the places, start asking why young children are acting out and help them process that, rather than just handing them a consequence for acting out. 

Once Caleb became a Father, and had a son of his own, he was pretty terrified. He saw in this little boy many of these same kind hearted, empathetic characteristics he himself had, and how would he guide and embrace those in a world that is still not always ready to see that in a little boy?  That “fear” he felt has driven him to have intentional conversations that encourage his son to feel safe living out and feeling all parts of himself, that they are all important and worth celebration, and that there’s nothing more important than being a kind empathetic human.  This has led him on a journey of fathering both his children, son and daughter, in embracing all the parts of themselves that make them who they are, feeling and processing through all of their feelings and emotions; all while he learns to celebrate and embrace his layers, rather than feeling disdain or dislike towards any parts of himself. We talk about the importance his partner Kendra has played in his life, understanding and loving all the parts of him, and knowing him and how to communicate with him, as he’s learning to love and communicate with himself. We talk about the difficulties we both had with our Dad growing up, but how as adults we understand better how his background and upbringing contributed to that. 

We see his willingness to learn, and grow, and change, and are encouraged by his journey in facing the things in himself that need healing. We talk about expectations, and how learning to live by his own rather than others’ is showing signs of him being able to live in a space where he feels content and the most true to himself. This was a very moving conversation for me to have with my “baby brother” as we address so many of the challenges family dynamics and patterns can present, and how we can navigate those to become the best versions of ourselves in that process.  It was also a very timely conversation of the discussions we need to be having with our children if we’re ever to move into spaces where all children feel safe, heard, and known. I hope you’ll join us in the finale of our relationship series and season 1 of The F.E.E.L Podcast.

Episode 19 - Embracing Yourself & Your Expectations with Kayli Blankenship Scott

We are continuing the relationship series this week with Kayli Blankenship Scott. I first met Kayli in the Spring of 2019 when she and my middle daughter Kylee met through their Campus Faith Fellowship and also both being student athletes at Guilford College.  They became roommates the next Fall, and that’s when Kayli really became a regular part of our lives.  The fun part about meeting someone at that point in their life is that you get to watch them grow and learn more about themselves and how to navigate the world in a way that’s truest to them.  That journey usually has some twists and turns in it along the way, and that has certainly proven to be true for Kayli. You see, besides the normal walk life takes us on in our early twenties, Kayli got to have the added experience of the COVID pandemic, which ended up affecting nearly every area of her life.  She was a senior in college in her last Softball season when that abruptly came to an end in mid March 202 due to the pandemic.  She was scheduled to graduate in May of 2020, but there would be no in person graduation ceremony for a year due to the Pandemic.  She was scheduled to get married a week after graduation, but that had to be altered as well because of, guess what?! The Pandemic.  And just to keep life interesting, she was going to be a new Teacher starting her career in the middle of….wait for it!  A Pandemic.  And because change is a continuing theme, she has started a small side business in the midst of all of this that really brings out her creative side. We talk about all of these situations in this episode, with all the things she’s learned about herself, her partner, her relationships with her family that change once you get married. The difference between boundaries with your partner, and boundaries with your family and friends; how being an Enneagram 3 has informed her in how she tends toward people pleasing and creating relationships, sometimes to her detriment, and how she’s learned to not abandon herself for the sake of connecting with people anymore. We talk about the importance of self care, her why, and managing emotional and physical health as she transitioned from student athlete to a career in teaching, and a life without softball in it on a daily basis. .  We talk about lessons she learned as a student athlete that helped her when her softball career abruptly came to an end in the Spring of 2020. We talk about how she’s learned to ask questions as to why she’s feeling a certain way rather than just “pulling up her bootstraps” and trudging forward without dealing with those feelings. We talk about embracing all the parts of ourselves, and how learning to love and accept herself has been the greatest gift, and enabled her to love others well. And, we talk about the importance of continuing to evolve and grow, not becoming stagnant, and embracing all that each season brings. It was so fun to have this conversation with Kayli and see firsthand all that she’s learned and grown into over the last 2 years.  I can’t wait for you to hear this energized, inspiring conversation with Kayli Blankenship Scott.

Episode 18 - Unapologetically For Each Other with The Christenson Women

I know Eileen Christenson, and her daughters Elle, Taylor, and Reilly, from our time living in Spokane, WA, and have always admired how they interact with and support each other, so it was my great honor when they agreed to be part of this relationship series we are doing on the F.E.E.L Podcast right now. Eileen and her husband Jeff raised these women in a home where doing your best, being kind to others and each other as sisters was the narrative, with no toxic masculinity displayed by Jeff, and no gendered narratives being the messaging to the daughters.  They never heard that there were any limitations or “girl” expectations, only to go for your dreams, and to go for all the things that you feel drawn to.  This created a safe space to feel, love, and explore without concern for being judged or having imposed on them any unrealistic, unfair expectations.  This landscape grew into 3 grown women that have healthy relationships, love and respect each other fiercely, and have a warm, affirming, loving appreciation of their parents and the environment they created and continue to foster with each other and all of their daughters and their partners. We talk about Boundaries, and the role that’s played in this unique time of working from home with their partners in some cases, as well as Reilly being on the front lines as a new nurse, and Elle is now back in the classroom after teaching remotely for more than a year. Elle sums up healthy boundaries really well when she points out something she’s learned from her husband Tony that a boundary is “my time, I’m going to decide how and who to give it to”. We have a great discussion on the importance of normalizing mental health therapy, and how the stigma from the Eileen and I’s generation to our daughters’ generation has changed, and is becoming a more accepted form of holistic healthiness. The sisters discuss how thankful they are for the healthy sister dynamic they had growing up and how they are now learning to adjust to the changes in being adult sisters now, and being aware of each other’s emotional health and how to show up for each other in that space. We talk about what Elle is seeing in the classroom with 7-8 year olds already being told narratives of what is and is not acceptable emotionally to feel and display, and how she’s working to create an environment where learning to manage and feel big emotions is safe and encouraged, no matter what gender you are.  She has also adopted a “connecting before correcting” mindset to ensure she’s not just shutting down a child’s behavioral response before trying to connect and understand where it’s coming from and how that child needs to feel and/or process what's happening. Taylor discusses how the culture teaches us to compare ourselves to each other as women and sisters, but that in her household she always felt loved and accepted, and how thankful she was for that safe space as she dealt with not comparing herself to them or anyone. Eileen discusses how they never had teenage or women’s magazines or media in their home that promoted this comparison, unrealistic prototype or expectation, so that their daughters would never feel that unhealthy pressure in their home, knowing how prevalent it is in the world outside those doors. We talk about because of always being taught to root for each other as women, all 3 daughters feel more naturally inclined to root for other women in general, but how trust has to be built amongst each other in the workplace for that to really happen in an authentic, healthy way. Reilly discusses as a youngest daughter and sister, how it was both challenging and helpful coming up behind 2 olders sisters; how there was a natural path laid out, but also how much teachers would comment and compare her to her older sisters, and learning to navigate that as she was figuring out who she was as a person.  She talks about the safe space her sisters and parents created as she learned to work through relationships that weren’t always in her best interest, but that she always felt supported that she would figure that out. We talk about expectations others have and how they are only valued if they align with what works for you and feels right for you and your values. We talk about all of our layers and accepting all the colors in ourselves, and being ok with changes in self and others as we go through different seasons. And maybe my favorite part of this conversation was discussing everyone’s willingness to chart their own paths, not based on the degree they got and sticking to that expectation, but finding the thing that most aligns with what they care about and speaks to who they want to be in the world. This was another rich, wise, authentic intuitive conversation that I am so excited to share with you all.  I hope you’ll join me in getting to learn from these wonderful Christenson Women :)

Episode 17 - The Value of Friends with Kristen Hovde Miller, Amy Stuart VanderMaas, and Stephanie Fels Stout

These friends have been journeying through life with me for between 30 - 43 years so we’ve covered a lot of ground together, from bonding over favorite childhood musicals, to navigating the loss of parents, to walking through raising kids to navigating challenging family relationships.  There isn’t much we haven’t been through or seen.  We’ve laughed, cried, been in each other’s weddings, and shared so much. I feel so fortunate that we’re all willing to put in the time to ensure these relationships continue, even as we live in different time zones across several different states.

I know that I can pick up the phone any time day or night, and these ladies will show up for me and I for them.  These relationships are one of the most important things in my life and I cannot imagine doing these trips around the sun without them.

We cover a lot of ground in this episode, and could probably do a lot of spin-offs from many of the topics we touch on. 

We talk about boundaries with in-laws, siblings, children, parents, and friends.  We talk about how we’ve evolved into knowing the difference between healthy and toxic relationships, and that it’s ok to let the toxic ones go. We don’t have to like or get along with everyone. It’s ok to just be respectful and not feel guilty for the people we just don’t click with.

We talk about health challenges (mental and physical) that have sometimes forced us into boundaries we weren’t planning on, and how we’ve learned to make friends with that rather than resent it.  We talk about the importance of self care, and addressing how emotional health affects physical health, and putting ourselves and this care first is not selfish, but necessary.  We watched our Moms not always make room for this, and knew that’s not a pattern we wanted to continue. 

We talk about the importance of our friendships with each other and the ones right where we live , and the necessity they are to us for our own well being.  We talk about the importance of modeling this good healthy behavior so that hopefully our children will learn from that and do it even better and sooner in their own lives.

We talk about releasing the responsibility we sometimes feel to fix or repair things for people in our lives, understanding that it’s not ours to carry, but how challenging that has been for us to release. 

We talk about the value of coming to know our own worth, to live that out unapologetically, and supporting and lifting other women up as we do this. 

We talk about what the transition into the “empty nest” phase of life looks like and will look like, how that changes our “why”, and what finding those other layers of ourselves are that maybe we haven’t met or acknowledged yet.  

We talk about the importance of dating our partners through the child raising years, and how their support has encouraged us and continues to support us in being the best, healthiest versions of ourselves, and how fortunate we feel to have those kinds of relationships with them.

We talk about the importance of communicating expectations to people in our lives, instead of assuming they know, and then being disappointed if we don’t meet each other’s uncommunicated, sometimes unfair or unrealistic expectations.  Brave conversations about these expectations and differences is the only real way to authentic healing instead of unrealized, unfair expectations and disappointment.  We talk about being ok with the fact that sometimes when you communicate boundaries and/or expectations, those we’re sharing this with might not understand or like it, but that doesn’t mean we are wrong.

This is another far reaching, authentic, vulnerable conversation about how we’ve walked these things out in our lives, and the importance of continuing to learn and give ourselves grace in the process.

These friends of mine have so much wisdom to offer.  I’m so thankful for this opportunity for you to spend a little time with them.

Episode 16 - Boundaries as Guideposts with Sierra & Tim Crook Shenkin

This week we get to spend some time listening and learning with my favorite young married couple, my daughter Sierra and Son in Law Tim. 

In this episode we talk about the myriad of adjustments that happen when you are getting used to living with and sharing life with a partner, but it’s more than that. These two have done and are doing such intentional working, thinking, planning, and loving on how they approach their relationship that many couples never get to.  So don’t think this episode is only for the 20 & 30 somethings. All couples in all stages can learn & benefit from what Sierra & Tim have to share.

We talk about how they learned the difference between their two definitions of quality/quantity time. We discuss the importance of knowing yourself so you can effectively communicate your needs to your partner, and adjusting to considering your partner when you’re making decisions, setting your schedule, etc. 

Sierra & Tim have adapted the word “boundaries” to “guideposts” with the point being instead of saying no you can’t go here with me, to instead being here’s how you can. They talk about how they communicate old wounds to each other so each one can be aware of the tender spots to not poke at, or what might be triggers for them, building more informed communication between them. 

We discuss how unprocessed emotions can produce somatic physical pain, and how we must be mindful as partners how our difficulties can be felt by our partners, so how we communicate those things must be done with that in mind.

Tim explains how approaching these things with curiosity rather than fear opens up the opportunity to learn more about yourself and each other, and how they each operate from the stance that they are always for each other and want only the best, even when those attempts fall short. 

Sierra talks about that in embracing all the layers of each other, they love all the past, current, and future iterations of themselves & each other. 

Sierra & Tim have established 3 values that their relationship and all the decisions they make are based upon. If something does not align with those values, then it is not for them, whether it’s relationships with friends or family, where to live, what job to take, or if they should buy that house. This gives them a like minded foundation and focus to operate from.

We talk about living out of expectations, and how those expectations must align with their values, as well as the people setting those expectations. They make a great point that you can only call something an expectation if it’s been communicated as one.  Otherwise, it’s just a hope. 

They discuss the fact that life is made up of the good, the bad, the hard, the beautiful all existing at the same time, and that we can feel all of them simultaneously, and that’s ok. Life is not black & white, and emotions and feelings aren’t bad or good, but how we handle and respond to them is what matters. 

So many vital, rich, intentional, thought out points and lessons in this episode. Grab your partner, your favorite coffee or drink, and a pen and notebook and join us for this enlightening conversation.

Episode 15 - Accepting the Layered Aspects of Each Other with Melissa & Brady Crook

Welcome to week 1 of the Relationship Series on The F.E.E.L Podcast!  This idea came from a few different places, but really rooted in both Megan & Wendy VanStone’s episodes and the emphasis they put on relationships, and not just having them, but prioritizing them and doing them well.

I went back to my team with the idea of a relationship series, and they loved it because it’s right before the holidays when many of us start gathering with family, for better or for worse.  What a great time to discuss relationships & what goes into those looking healthy, worthwhile, & the challenges that can come with them. 

So here we go! We’ll start off by discussing marriage/relationships, kicking it off with my very own partner, best friend, favorite human, soulmate Brady Crook.  We have been together in marriage for over 28 years, and met almost 31 years ago, on February 9, 1991, in the back of a kitchen at a very crowded house party of a mutual friend. We started dating a week later, and knew we loved each other after just a week. We felt connected and known by each other that quickly.  

But don’t be fooled by that introduction into thinking it was all that easy. I grew up Mormon and he grew up Catholic. We had both started the walk away from those worlds, but there would be some other bumps along the path that we would have to navigate.  We had more people betting against our chances of making it when we got married than we had betting in our favor. But we knew something that none of them did.  We loved all the parts of each of us unconditionally and knew we wanted to do our life different than what we came from, better, brighter. 

That commitment to each other enabled us to forge a bond that would give us the foundation we needed to survive and move through challenges that most couples don’t survive. 

I hope you’ll join us this week to hear about our journey, what we’ve learned and are still learning, and how we’ve gotten to the increasingly healthy space we’re in today.

Episode 14 - Unafraid to Speak Truth with Christy Martinez Garcia

I have the great fortune and blessing of getting to meet and work with some really remarkable women.  These people are brave, bold, smart, compassionate, empathetic fueled by their passion to do their part to improve and grow their communities into all they are capable of being. Christy Martinez Garcia is the perfect example of this, and it was such a privilege to get to sit down with her and participate in this real, authentic rich conversation.

Christy is known as a leader in the Hispanic Community, but sees herself as a leader in the whole community, a community she hopes to see become one inclusive, collaborative community and has a heart and passion to be part of that journey. 

She is not afraid to speak truth in spaces that don’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable, but understands the importance of doing so with respect without compromising the message. 

She gives much of the credit to her being on this journey to those who have mentored her and created spaces at the table for her to be heard, and how important it is to model for our children and younger generations, and not just give lip service. 

We talk about the importance of women not apologizing for their knowledge, insight, and value, and not giving resources away freely while others are being compensated for, and sometimes stealing others, similar contributions. We talk about the challenge of balancing family and career aspirations as we strive to be the change we want to see in the world.

We talk about women needing to bring others along with them, and inviting them to the tables they have been included at instead of being possessive of that space and not being willing to share it. 

We talk about how collaboration moves the needle so much farther than competition or being threatened by others' success ever will, how there’s so much power in one journey shared by many with a common goal.

We talk about how diversity is so much more than different ethnicities, but also different faiths, ages, sexual and gender identities, and belief systems; how diversity is not just having one token woman, black woman, brown woman, gay man, at your table to meet a quota.

We talk about the importance of supportive relationships and people in your life that are with you and for you every step of the way.

We talk about the importance of boundaries, choosing your battles and where you will expend your energy and not expend your energy, and knowing when it’s time to pass the baton and step away.

Maybe most importantly, we talk about the importance of getting away from the noise and quieting the voices, including our own, so we can clear and rest our mind and soul, to give space to rest and refill so we have the energy and clarity to keep doing the things we are passionate about. Christy has found that space in nature, in the early morning hours in her backyard and garden, and how that time fills her up and fuels her for the day.  

Christy talks about how all she does and all that drives her comes first and foremost from her faith, and how this outdoor space in her backyard oasis allows her to tap into that daily.

This is such an important conversation for our time so I passionately hope you’ll take the time to listen this week to my conversation with Christy Martinez Garcia.

Episode 13 - Embrace the Unexpected with Wendy VanStone

Wendy and her husband Eric made a life changing decision 5 years ago to move themselves and their 2 daughters to Saudi Arabia. Their journey in deciding to do this and the experience they are having there is firmly based out of so many of our talking points in this podcast. Their faith, strong foundation, healthy boundaries, living out of their own expectations, and not others, and the ability to go into relationships with open eyes, loving others and accepting and embracing all the layers within those people and cultures, as well as themselves, are all key factors in how they’re experiencing life in this season.

A few key quotes that really stuck out in this episode are:

“We did pray at the very beginning that if this was meant for us that God would open doors, but if not, that they would shut”

“Will we regret not even trying?”

“Learning to just have no expectations, and just be in the moment and embrace that opportunity has been very valuable for her” - Wendy VanStone referring to lessons her oldest daughter is learning in this journey

“When you have expectations, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment” - Wendy VanStone referring to preconceived notions and unrealistic expectations we sometimes try to impose on situations and other people

“Gratitude is huge. Just expressing and being thankful for everything we have is a huge component for that self care and emotional wellbeing”

Wendy is a huge proponent of embracing the journey and living in the moment, and is a lifelong learner. This has opened the door to her being able to see the beauty in the people and situations she encounters. She loves relationships and pouring into others, but knows herself well and sees when she needs to pull back, quiet the noise and refill her cup.Wendy is truly one of the most genuine, welcoming people I know and we talk about how that’s rooted in her early childhood in Puerto Rico with the culture of music, food, and dancing bringing people together in community on a regular basis.Wendy’s heart of gratitude and love for life, incorporated with her grounding faith and knowledge of who she is, come through so clearly in this conversation. You don’t want to miss spending time with this beautiful soul. I hope you’ll take the time to listen and learn from this week’s guest, Wendy VanStone.

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!

Episode 12: Unapologetic Healthy Relationships with Megan VanStone

Megan VanStone is one of the most creative, hospitable people I know. She values people and relationships in the most authentic way, and surrounds herself with those who are genuinely for her. This kind of an intentional life does not just happen though. In this week’s episode we talk about how she got to this space and the decisions she made along the way to land here.

Megan learned early on that some people value and utilize boundaries more than others, and just because these people don’t see the need for them in the same ways she does, does not mean they are not important and necessary for her own life. Also, you can’t place people’s boundaries for them. It has to be a decision they make for themselves. 

We discussed how unhealthy the “superwoman” complex is, and how it’s ok, and important to not apologize for asking for help. 

We talked about the value her relationships with other women in her life have, how fulfilling and supportive they are of each other, and how we as women need to stop being so competitive with each other to our detriment, and recognize the value of being for each other. 

Megan shares how she arrived in this space of living out of her truest, authentic creative self, how much joy knowing and living out of that “why” has brought her, and the encouragement she received from her husband and other valued voices in her life on getting there.

We discussed the importance of letting go of what others think, letting go of those toxic relationships, and surrounding yourself with people who are truly for you and aren’t afraid to speak truth to you. And to that point, how relationships do take time, commitment, and work, but how worth it, rich, and fulfilling life is when you pour into them.

Megan shares the importance of seeing greatness in yourself and the value in celebrating and calling out when you’ve done something well.

This is such a rich, inviting, encouraging conversation with this beautiful soul, and you are going to want to make time to hear from her.  I hope you’ll join us in getting to know Megan VanStone. 

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!

Episode 11: Living Out of Her Expectations, Not the Culture’s, with Kaley Ihfe

Kaley Ihfe wears many hats in her life, but she knew from an early age that she cared about justice, and early as 3rd grade that she cared about poverty. She is very intentional in choosing what she is involved with, knowing not every “good” thing is for her.  As a ministry leader and being married to a Pastor that can be tricky to navigate, but Kaley understands the importance of rest and quiet time to just be still, and how that keeps her invigorated and honedink her “why”, and not just doing what the loudest voices suggest.

We talk about how time off during COVID allowed her to take a breath and examine what she really wanted to be committed to, and how she and her husband make time daily for just themselves away from all the noise.

We also touch on the importance and challenge of seeing people as another creation of God, and not the sum total of their opinions or beliefs, because we are all on our own journeys of learning and growth. 

Kaley speaks to how the Enneagram helped her learn to name her feelings so she can process them in a healthy way, and the importance of her knowledge that she is loved and worthy for who she is, not what she does.

You don’t want to miss this wide ranging, captivating conversation with my friend Kaley Ihfe. I hope you’ll join us. 

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!

Reflections on my own story - Episode 10 Blog in response to Episode 9 with Stephanie Hunter

When Stephanie and I recorded her episode in early September, she felt inspired to share her whole story as she felt compelled that someone needed to hear it. What she and I did not realize that day was that at least one of those that needed to hear it was me.

My story is not the same as Stephanie’s, but what resonated with me is how exposing the secret abusive life she was living had tremendous holistic health effects that could not be healed until exposing the darkness to the light. My “secret” is only a secret to some, but when I tried to talk to my parents and a trusted church Bishop about it some 32 years ago, I was told by one how disappointed they were, how they wish I’d never told them and how it sullied their view of me, and by the other of all the hoops I had to jump through publically to be deemed clean and worthy again. Furthermore, I would still however have to confess to my future husband some day that he would not be my “first”, and that might make me unacceptable to him. It wasn’t enough to confess to God, and ask for forgiveness. My sin was too dirty for that. I’ve since realized my parents were operating from their own hurts, and I long ago left the Mormon Church. But that doesn’t lessen the damage those words have done to me.

The truth is that no matter the intent, their words and actions cemented my worst fears, that I would be judged and deemed dirty if I exposed this. So, I continued to keep this secret from any Mormon or Christian friend that I feared would think of me similarly as my parents and Bishop. 

I was 20 years old when I went to these people, hoping to find consolation, unconditional love, and support as I sorted through a relationship that I knew was a terrible mistake, not for the sexual nature itself, but because of the reasons for the sexual nature and the unhealthy emotional manipulation that was occurring in it. Instead I found condemnation and disappointment, and years of determining who I could trust with this information and who I couldn’t. And keeping a secret of any form brings on feelings of shame and self loathing when you don’t trust it is safe and too shameful to expose it to the light.

This has led to years of never truly forgiving myself for this 3 ½ year period, and a misguided idea of what healthy intimacy should look like. Not to mention anxiety relating to performance for value and codependent relationships.

You see I didn’t land in this relationship without years of being sent the message that I must perform to be loved and accepted….in my family, in the Mormon Church, in what my Christian friends were taught as well.  The narrative was that only certain kinds of behavior allowed you to be lovable, and fear was used to keep you away from those “unloveable” behaviors rather than telling you how intrinsically valuable you are as a boy or girl. 

That either one is not the boss of or valued more than the other, that God isn’t only Father, but Mother, Sister, Brother, Auntie, anything you need God to be in that moment.  After all, both male and female are made in God’s image, so that should be enough to tell us that God is not just Father, but that’s not what we’re taught. 

What if we were all taught and modeled how to live out of that intrinsic value so that we feel worth and loved for who we are, not what we do. Then how much better equipped would we be to make relationship decisions based on how much we value ourselves rather than feeling like we must perform a certain way to be acceptable for fear of disappointing and not being worthy.  

Purity culture and fear based rhetoric from the pulpit have done a number on generations of women, and is one of the greatest failures of religion and church, along with the different set of “purity” standards/responsibilities heaped on girls with little to none of that responsibility applied to boys. But God help the boys who show any sensitivity or vulnerability. That certainly doesn’t work with the rhetoric this culture is slinging.

This was the training ground for me landing in this unhealthy relationship. The difference between this relationship and others before it was that my performance in previous ones involved “good” deeds (good grades, winning in athletics, singing well, helping family, etc). For this new relationship it involved performing in a way that was deemed “dirty” by the voices around me, but was nevertheless necessary to be acceptable in this relationship.

I had been groomed to be acceptable in relationships, and this was not exposed for the problem that it was until performing “unacceptably” was the requirement.

What someone’s intention is should not be a determinant on whether it did harm. Too many times we don’t do the healing work we need to do because we know the inflictor didn’t mean to. So because we don’t want others to feel bad we talk ourselves into thinking we’re making a big deal out of nothing, and the trauma never gets dealt with and healed, but just continues to harm us. I know that my lack of healing when raising our daughters did damage to them. That was never my intent, but that doesn’t mean it did not occur. 

So I’m exposing the secret….I was in a very unhealthy, emotionally and sexually manipulative relationship from age 18-21. The sexual portion was the biggest secret because that’s what I was told would make me “dirty”. Sadly, my culture wasn’t as nearly concerned about the emotionally abusive portion, which was every bit as damaging, if not more. When “patriarchs” are lifted up as “leaders” or “heads” of households, giving power God never intended to one sex over the other, a lot of power manipulations and abuses are “overlooked”. Brady, my husband was not my first sexual experience, and no amount of shame will change that. It doesn't make me less forgivable, less valuable, or less worthy of being unconditionally loved.

I tell this story not only to expose my own “partial” secret, but to hopefully inspire others to do the same. Your whole self cannot heal until it is all exposed to the light, and those relationships that are truly worth having will still be there after the secret is brought to light. People that truly love you want you to be your best, most healed self, and the God I know wants me to be accountable, but never wants me to feel shamed, unworthy, unloveable, or unforgivable.

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!

Episode 9: Faith and Empowerment in Healing with Stephanie Hunter

Stephanie Hunter is one of those people that lights up a room when she enters it.  Her passion for all people, especially children to know their potential and value are palpable.  She lives her life out of that passion authentically with an informed, inclusive, faith filled nature. I’ve known this about Stephanie since the day we met, so was not surprised to see this once again come through as we were recording.

What I learned from Stephanie though in this episode is that her journey had a dark chapter during her marriage to a pastor, where she lived one life in the fishbowl like public existence that is the reality of being a ministry spouse, while the actual truth behind the scenes was nothing like the shiny public face. She reveals what that did to her as a person….her mental, physical, and emotional health, and the aftermath of depression, anxiety, and physical sickness once she was able to escape this unhealthy situation.

She shares how her faith brought her out of the brink to a life of passionate self-care, dietary changes, feeding her soul with music and words that light her up, and fighting for all to know their intrinsic  value so that they never travel down their own dark road.

Her story is a beautiful one of redemption when one has the courage to take secrets out of the dark and expose them so that your whole body and soul can be healed. Her contagious, authentic positivity as she lives inspired by what she has survived is a story all people should hear and learn from.

Do yourself a favor, and make time for this moving episode with Stephanie Hunter.

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!

Episode 8: Embracing Rest Fuels Unapologetic Living with Danielle Demetria

I get to meet a ton of inspiring people in my work, and that is how I came to know this young go getter. Danielle moved to Lubbock, TX after college and hit the floor running even as COVID was taking hold.  She immediately became a difference maker in this community, all driven by her passion for art, equality, getting and giving the best care needed to live our best lives, no matter the background or neighborhood anyone comes from.  Danielle is not the loudest voice in the room, but is consistent and driven by her values. 

She’s not afraid to speak truth, and also knows the importance of listening. We touch on so many important topics in this episode, including how she makes self care part of her schedule to ensure it does not get missed. We discuss the stereotypes around black women and men’s responses to challenging situations, and how damaging this is to their health, including the disparities in health care. She shares how dealing with her own female issues led her to wanting to run her own nonprofit versus working for someone else. We also dive into the difference between apologizing for the racial disparities in our country versus getting involved and becoming part of the solution.

So much wisdom from this bright woman.  My favorite quote from this episode is “Just Because You’re Alive Doesn’t Mean You’re Living”.  Join me in this conversation to hear how Danielle is living hers.

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!

Episode 7: Embracing Herself and Others Unapologetically with Helen Dorado Alessi

This sit down with my friend Helen Dorado Alessi is so rich and full of wisdom and insight, I hardly know how to begin. I lost track of how many times I stopped the recording when listening back to it, to capture a meaningful thought, quote, nugget of wisdom or resource, that I knew I had to capture.

We cover the full gamete in this episode, including, but not limited to her journey in getting to know herself after realizing the anxiety she felt when left alone with herself; how she learned to effectively self soothe when feeling anxious and nervous; how we need to get back to what we loved to engage in as a child before it was “tamed” out of us by culture (especially little girls);  the importance of slowing down and examining a situation before just saying yes to it; how women need to stop leading like men and apologizing for who they are; knowing ourselves, why, and purpose given we’re here on this planet at this time for a reason, and the hope that can give us; that we’re all worthy of that partner who wants to see us fly and see us be who we truly are; forgiving ourselves as we embrace our layers; communicating new boundaries to those we are in relationship with; and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!

I hope you’ll join Helen and I in this engaging, thought provoking, affirming conversation. You will also lose count of how many times you stop the episode to write something down :) .

Don’t miss all of the sources from this episode located on our website in the “Resources” section, as well as in the “Show Notes” with the episode link.

Be sure to listen here on the website under Episodes or on our Anchor Page!